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I've long wanted to do a parody of the Dan Brown PR machine. If you adored this article therefore you would like to collect more info about Curly Hair Kissing Gallery please visit our web-site. Finally, here 'tis:

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The following is a transcription of the pitch session for Dan Brown's next novel, The Botticelli Botch. Present are the author, hwill be new agent Bizzy Boca, his new publisher Ernst Kluliss, and (getting in on the ground floor) the famous film producer Sam Schnellgeld.

Dan: (arriving ten minutes late): Sorry, guys. Bizzy, did you lay out my basic position? I'd really rather not get ripped off this time. Royalties, rights, creative control, profit-sharing on the movie deal. Crazy schedule. Can't wait to get back to New Hampshire and the writer's life.

Sam (arriving two minutes later): Well, hello dream team. Bizzy, that skirt is hot.

Bizzy: It's so exciting to have you here, Sam.

Ernst: Yes, and for a stodgy old bookbinder like me, it's exciting to do business with a real Hollywood mogul.

Sam: How about you, Danny? You excited?

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Dan: Sure. But we want to near swiftly. I actually include another consultation found in an total hours. Crazy schedule. Can't wait to get back to New Hampshire -

Sam: No biggie. I got lunch in twenty. Will this new one get all the religious nuts crawling out of the woodwork to do our marketing for us? The Da Vinci Code is a hard act to follow. So Bizzy, you wet dream, lay it on me. And please, no retread.

Dan: I'll make the pitch, if you don't mind. Sam, Ernst, The Botticelli Botch will certainly not come to be a retread. Bizzy's still learning the names. For starters, the opening cash photograph shall not be in Paris but in Florence. The Uffizi.

Sam: Uffizi, eh? Didn't know you were into automatic weapons. I confess, I did wonder why your wacko Opus Dei albino monk didn't shoot the curator with an Uzi. Does this one start with a murder, too? More sadistic, and no goddamn lobbyists. But here's some advice: if you're taking the Mafia route, use Russians.

Dan: No, a rape. Under Botticelli's The Birth of Venus.

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Ernst: Splendid! And who will play the victim? How about Kiera Knightly? And personally, I'd be very interested in meeting her. She certainly possesses the specific deal with and amount to be a descendant of Mary Magdalene.

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Bizzy: Don't you just love the Mary Magdalene theme in The Da Vinci Code? Talk about royalty! The Holy Grail as her uterus, and Jesus as her stud muffin? I meant to tell you, Dan: I dreamed I was part of the bloodline, ideal through the Merovingian dynasty decrease.

Dan: Actually, I'm skipping that plot. My facts all come from Henry Lincoln's Holy Blood, Holy Grail, They will be informed by me, and if he were a charlatan, would the BBC have funded his programs? Not to mention all those nit-picking Bible scholars. Too much hate mail from narrow-minded Christians who won't even consider that Emperor Constantine might have cooked up the whole Jesus-divinity thing in order to stamp out goddess worship.

Bizzy: Plus it's a novel. It's scary, isn't it, how some people can't distinguish between fact and fiction? The De uma Vinci Computer is usually a function of the real human creativity!

Ernst: And a tribute to the human spirit, unfettered by the chains of religious dogma.

Sam: For marketing, you're probably right to sideline the Jesus stuff. It was brilliant to hire that Jesus-freak consultant - you know, that Jonathan Bock guy - to set up a "Da Vinci Dialogue" at the Sony Pictures website. It's amazing how your average mouth-breather will do anything to feel like he's part of the industry. The more they blog, the more they want to see the movie. I gotta hand it to Sony. Company-sponsored blogging catches the mall rats, so why not the Bible thumpers?

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Ernst: Wish we could do that in publishing. But the masses want to be Dan Brown, not Ernst Kluliss. Ha-ha.

Sam: Trouble is, you can only milk that for so long, before some harpy like Barbara Nicolosi comes along and accuses you of turning people into "useful Chrwill betian idiots." Next time, I fear, it'll be The Last Temptation of Christ all over again - pickets, not tickets.

Dan: I beg you, don't mention that title. Some lunatic in Athens keeps emailing me about how that Greek writer, Katzi-somebody--

Ernst: Nikos Katzantzakis. He had written Zorba the Greek and an incredible furthermore, if interminable, re-creation of the Odyssey. A passionate, learned man who--

Dan: Right. So this lunatic keeps emailing me I should read The Last Temptation of Christ, because Katzi-what's-his-face deals with Jesus' humanity and the relationship with Mary Magdalene in "a really profound way." This implication being that I don't.

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Bizzy: Oh, please. How many copies did it sell? Despite what you hear, Joe Six-Pack's not the one making movie choices these days. Danny, I gotta ask you. You're not going to drop the Sacred Feminine riff, are you?

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Ernst: My priority too, Dan. Ha-ha. The textbooks are usually primarily an reason to swill wines and dialogue about their intercourse existence. But who cares? Book groups move product. All those guide clubs out there - female overwhelmingly.

Bizzy: Poor men! Sometimes I wonder what's left in the culture for them.

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Sam: Sports, video games, online porn.

Dan: Now, Sam, you're making my pitch for me. The Botticelli Botch shall unite the individual and female group like no other book. Every blogger has got a top secret, and mine is something I learned in prep school.

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Bizzy: By the way, we don't advertise Dan's not-so-humble background. Not only did he go to Phillips Exeter, he likewise educated there for a very few a long time.

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Dan: Yeah, during my semi-failed literary career. Out of mixed motives. But I did learn something from cramming literature down adolescent throats. Why do ordinary people buy novels? On the one hand, they want a fast-paced story that will keep them turning pages and get their mind off their troubles.

Ernst: Sad but true. Which is so why we publish Dean Christine and Koontz Feehan.

Dan: But people also aspire to higher things. Great books, superb art work - some sort of carry out lot of Us citizens crave to understand even more about them. But they in addition associate them with snobbery and pretentiousness, which they hate. So the road to riches is to satisfy the public's craving for high culture without setting off their anti-snobbery alarm.

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Ernst: You mean, revive the middlebrow?

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Dan: Oh, no. You can't go back to dumbing down high culture and spoon-feeding it to people. You choosetta spike it, twist the meaning, hit 'em where they live. What do most readers learn from The Da Vinci Code?

Sam: That Jesus was Abraham and his seed are a bunch of French Frogs?

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Dan: You assume they make that connection. You don't need a Ph.D. They don't. Who flows Genesis these times? or a B even.A. Western Civilization is a riddle, and if the remedy will be recognised by you - which you can have from one e book, mine - you're good to go. No, what people learn is what they want to learn: namely, that you can travel around Europe, visit those museums all, churches, and castles, and understand it all, without effort.

Ernst: Brilliant! But please, make it two books. Tell us about The Botticelli Bitch.

Dan: That's Botch. Cue the Power Point, Bizzy. I'm jumping ahead, but imagine the camera panning down this babe as she covers her boobs with her right hand and pulls her hair over her privates with her left. Compared with Leonardo's The Last Supper, Botticelli's The Birth of Venus will knock your socks off. This time I'm not using a painting that's half flaked away.

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Ernst: Astonishing! I've seen the painting dozens of times, but it never occurred to me that she's being modest. How unlike Venus!

Dan: If you'll forgive me: "Our preconceived notions are so powerful that our mind blocks out the incongruity and overrides our eyes."

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Bizzy: The Da Vinci Code, chapter 58, page 242.

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Sam: Wow, verse and chapter. Where'd you get her, Danny?

Dan: Hands off, she's mine. The pugilative conflict between the Roman Catholic Ceremony and Sacred Womanhood will be ratcheting to a latest stage, as the wise and amazing Dr. I. Connie Klast, professor of Feminist Art History at Georgetown University and world-famous expert on Botticelli, will be appearing raped by a new priest brutally. Anyway, while the camera is eyeballing Venus, we hear the soundtrack of a bad invasion - masculine grunting and cursing, female crying and screaming.

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Ernst: Splendid! Timely! The Church won't have a leg to stand on! What kind of priest, if I may ask? A Jesuit? It would be nice to avoid an embarrassing mistake, like having an Opus Dei monk, when there aren't any.

Dan: No problem. The assailant is a Dominican, from the secret Twenty-Ninth Province, known as the Manfriars. The Manfriars were founded in 1498, yr Pope Alexander VI possessed the excommunicated monk the, Savonarola, hanged and burned.

Sam: Burned and hanged at the same time?

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Dan: Yup, and in the same place, the Piazza della Signoria in Florence, where Savonarola staged his famous Bonfires of the Vanities, in which he burned all the luxury goods he could lay his hands on - including several "pagan" paintings by his loyal follower Alessandro di Mariano Filipepi, a.k.a. Botticelli.

Sam: I'm liking it. Whatever it costs, we'll shoot these scenes on location at the ... Pizza della Whatever. But wait around a total small. You're saying Botticelli was a follower of the creep who burned his pictures? Who are the good guys?

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Dan: That's right. Savonarola was a magnetic figure. Look at this portrait of him by Fra Bartolommeo.

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Sam: Wow, intense. Look at the schnozz! Tim Roth Maybe? Love the hood, by the real way.

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Ernst: Monks From the Hood? But who are the bad guys? Ha-ha. But seriously, Dan, if I get your drift, you're making Savonarola and Botticelli the good guys. But how will you twist the meaning so it hits ''em where they live? The pope? That could work - dollar for dollar, your pope is your most reliable movie villain, next to your Nazi and your oil CEO.

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Dan: Cue the painting again, Bizzy. But lustful also, possessive, controlling. My heroine, Connie, started to be involved in Botticelli for that explanation. It's no accident that Simonetta was the mistress of Giuliano de' Medici, brother of Botticelli's patron, Lorenzo the Magnificent. The male gaze. Admiring, yes. Her first book, Beauty As Rape, denounced Botticelli for reducing his model, the young Simonetta Cattaneo, to a passive item practically taken about by the winds. What is the essence of art? For 2,500 years, depicting nude women (and in the case of queer artwill bets like Michelangelo, nude men) hat been a way of asserting power over them. Check yourselves, guys. You're drooling, like me. The feminist art historians have got us pegged. None of us can take our eyes off that sexy Venus.

Sam: Hold on, my eyes are glazing over. I imagined we have been discussing enjoyment below.

Dan: Let me translate. The optical eyes. See how sad they are? Giuliano wins a big jousting tournament under a banner with her picture on it, painted by Botticelli. She becomes Giuliano's prize, but in that case is used up a yr later on - hardly ever getting definitely resided. Every rich playboy in Florence wants Simonetta, but the one who gets her is Giuliano - brother of the city's godfather. Not the naked flesh. Simonetta is the hottest babe in Tuscany, married at 15 to a dull dude named Marco Vespucci (whose only claim to fame is that they named America after his cousin, Amerigo). All her life she's been a possession, an ornament, a trophy. Look in the piece of art again Nowadays.

Ernst: That's why the painting is so lovely. There are many other portraits of Simonetta, but most have a vacant expression. Only Botticelli captured her soul.

Dan: It's not a question of soul. This ongoing work is subversive! An objective observer not really blinded by reverence for Renaissance art might say that he botched it. In truth, it's a deliberate botch! Botticelli wasn't just painting the objectified Venus, he was painting the Venus who resists being objectified. As Connie comes to realize, the sadness, the victimization, is the whole point. For factors I will relate in a quick second, she sees through all the lies about this being a great painting. Look at how awkwardly Venus is drawn - her left shoulder barely exists, and her left forearm is the size of her calf. And Connie is that observer. It's a question of gender politics.

Ernst: Dan, you've done it again! I'm on the edge of my seat! Why did Botticelli botch it?

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Dan: Because he understood. But distance reveals truth. Botticelli came to understand the patriarchal system - in essence, he became a radical feminist. He, too, was in love with Simonetta. Like Savonarola. But as an employee of the Medici, he had to keep his yardage.

Ernst: What? Savonarola a radical feminist?

Dan: How do you know he wasn't? Silk dresses, lacy lingerie, cosmetics, fancy wigs, corsets, paintings of nude women - all the trappings of female oppression! Or rather, what has conditioned you to think that he wasn't? What got burned on his Bonfire? Why did Botticelli throw some of his own paintings onto the flames?

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Bizzy: To liberate the women! To empower them!

Dan: Right! But after that the Ceremony broken along, condemning Savonarola to a horrible death and forcing Botticelli to spend the rest of his life painting the Virgin Mary. They knew that if they didn't deal with Savonarola, the pope would closed them down. So they founded the Manfriars, a secret province devoted to the suppression of the Sacred Feminine. Their primary work was basically to side Savonarola over to get hanged and burnt. The beauty of helpless girls like Simonetta, turned against them as the instrument of their oppression. Savonarola was a Dominican, but when he began to crusade for women's rights, the order got into trouble with the pope. They gone after the performers Then simply, making sure they painted gorgeous, sexy nudes for powerful men to ogle. In truth, it was a huge propaganda campaign on the part of the nobility and the Church to keep women in their place. And the deadliest weapon in this campaign was natural beauty. This is where the Manfriars come in. Thwill be was called the Renaissance, and we've all end up beingen brainwas basicallyhed - even you, Ernst - into thinking it produced great art.

Bizzy: Oh Dan, that's beautiful. Excuse me - I'm choking up.

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Ernst: I'm beginning to see, Dan. A dramatic medieval tale, total of love and bloodstream, that in addition shows the really reality you discovered in the earlier work of fiction. I must say, I admire your integrity.

Sam: I'm liking it, too. An innovative art background professor? But I'm a little worried about the broad who gets raped. That's gonna put a crimp in the casting. What's her name, Connie?

Dan: Not at all. When she was growing up in a Dominican orphanage, she had been made by the nuns pose for figure design courses. That's why she understands. So some of her earliest memories are of shivering in a cold drafty classroom, stark naked, while everyone looked at her - not necessarily only the various other young women, who hated her beauty, but the nuns also, including a couple of real bull dykes. Remember, I described Connie as "stunning and intelligent." In fact, when I get all the details worked out, she may turn out to be a descendant of Simonetta - and if I'm feeling bold, of Botticelli.

Sam: Good, that could work. As long as she's not too young. You know lawyers.

Dan: Do I ever. The contemporary plot, which will be action-packed, involves a struggle between Connie's students and the Georgetown administration over a production of The Vagina Monologues - you know, that carry out where girls chat candidly about their, uh ... No, I think that can be done tastefully - to establish Connie's character as a dynamic teacher who empowers female students. Kind of like Julia Roberts in Mona Lisa Smile.

Bizzy: See? Even Dan can't say it. The play was done by me all four years at Smith. What an experience! So empowering!

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Sam: Hmm. Not sure that will fly at the box office. Could we probably fudge the facts?

Bizzy: No problem. At most schools the play is part of "V Day," which will be devoted to raising awareness of violence against women. At the stricter Catholic schools, they allow the anti-violence activities but not the play (which is kind of raunchy).

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Ernst: Well, we certainly don't want to make strict Catholics look good! The trick, Dan, will be to frame the conflict so that it looks as though normal women are being oppressed by the Church.

Dan: No problem. I'll background the play, and foreground the big event planned for Georgetown's V Day: a keynote address by Connie, in which she reveals the hidden truth about Renaissance art, and explains why The Birth of Venus was not included in Savonarola's bonfire. On nowadays Thus it life, complete with its botched drawing, as a tip of the injustices that possess killed trillions of females virtually. Thanks to the Florentine fine art market, the piece of art eventually grew to be also worthwhile to burn up, anyway.

Sam: Very nice. But I'm still fuzzy on the rape. How does that fit? I'll be frank: I don't see a lot of box office in old Connie.

Dan: She's not old! And like I said, she's a knockout! Most likely we could perhaps employ the exact same actress to have fun her and Simonetta.

Ernst: I would discourage that. As to why include one particular lovely encounter when you may include only two merely?

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Dan: The point is, Connie's a framing device. We begin with the rape, subsequently sign again to 15th-century Florence, where we witness the whole back-story, including Simonetta's stunted life, the founding of the Manfriars, and the destruction of Botticelli and Savonarola. After that we sign forwards by way of the centuries, highlighting the Manfriars' more horrible deeds, and end up with the conspiracy to silence Connie. Tears stream down thousands of fresh young faces, the music swells, and once again the camera pans the succulent body of Botticelli's Venus - only this time, it lingers on those sad, sad eyes. We display the rape as a politics function, orchestrated by the province and the Florentine authorities, accompany Connie again to Georgetown next, where, traumatized deeply, she's on the verge of quitting - until, miraculously, her students appear and through their devotion to her message, start the healing process. Day On the big, when the leader of the college is usually about to announce the cancellation of the keynote conversation, we see Connie, bruised but not broken, fight to the podium and proclaim the reality to the global entire world.

Bizzy: Omigod, I can't stand it! Anyone got a Kleenex?

Ernst: Here, my dear. And the novel is stated by them is dead!

Sam: Nice, Danny. Like the yadda-yadda at the finish. Lunch is getting cold. Have your people call my people. Meanwhile I'm outta here.